I had an incident happen to me the other day that at first I was not going to write about. Then, after telling the story to a couple of people at work and them making me repeat it about four more times to other people who hadn't heard the tale, I thought, I had better write a post about it.
Gabby and I were hanging out in the house the other morning. I was letting my wife sleep in, as it was the weekend, when I heard a sound from the porch. I thought that it might have been a knock so I threw on a shirt (Yes, I was going topless. It was hot and I figured my daughter wouldn't mind. She is too young to be frightened or embarassed by my pale white flabbiness) On the steps to the porch was an older guy, peppered grey hair and a red t-shirt. I opened the door a bit and this is how the conversation went.
Me: "Hello."
Guy: "Hi, I'm your neighbor and I'm an asshole."
Ok, I wasn't quite sure how to react to that, but what I wanted to say was, which one? The ones who have the cops showing up here all the time? The ones that leave their windows open and blare music all day? Or maybe the couple who fight all the time screaming profanities at each other? I just stared blankly at him, not knowing what to say.
Me: "Uuuuh, Ok"
Guy: "I noticed you have a bunch of kids."
Ok, this is getting creepy, I let him continue....
Guy: "Well my wife loves your flowers."
Our house, thanks to the previous owners, has all these lovely maroon flowers blooming all over the place.....
Guy: "I was wondering if you would allow me to pick five flowers to give to my wife. She would really like them and we have been fighting."
Aaaah. I guess it was number three on the neighbors list.
Guy: "In exchange for the flowers I would like to give you these boxes of cereal."
He holds up two grocerey bags that have boxes of cereal in them.
By this time, I really had no idea what to say....
Me: "I appreciate that, but if you would like to pick some flowers go ahead. You do not need to give me anything for them. There are plenty."
Guy: "No, please, take the cereal. We never have any milk and it will just get thrown away."
He continued to insist until I finally agreed to take them. After I took them he looked at me and said...
Guy: "By the way, a couple of the boxes are opened, but some aren't."
I thanked him and went back inside and looked at my newly acquired treaures. There was a box of generic Raisin Bran - opened. A box of Peanut Butter Crunch - opened, an unopened box of Trix and a bag of generic Honey Nut Cheerios - opened.
So I grabbed a bowl and the milk and poured a bowl of each.... just kidding.
I was in shock. In this day and age, why would anyone think that someone who didn't know you would accept already opened food? It would be like some stranger on a bus offering you a bite of their sandwhich. I wouldn't care if they looked like a cross between Santa Claus and Wilford Brimley, in 2012, you just don't do it. It's not safe and I would defidently not endanger my children by serving it to them.
Needless to say, I threw them out. As I was throwing them out it made me wonder, is this what the world has come to? Once upon a time, I'm sure the cereal would have been accepted gladly, without a second thought. He would have just been being neighborly. Now, all I could think was how creepy the whole experience was. If we had any type of conversation or interaction before, maybe it would have been less strange. All I could think about the cereal was, is that a box of Arsenic O's? Strychnine Flakes? Rat Poison Puffs?
I appreciated the gesture, and I am truly sorry that I could not just accepted his cereal, but that is the way of the world now. Maybe my neighbor's mindset is a throwback to a simpler time. Maybe he grew up in a small town and still has that unjaded small town attitude. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe, he didn't have room in the trash to fit the boxes in and I was the only one who would take them. Maybe he is a Cereal pusher. The first box is free. Maybe my kids have been a little too loud and crazy on the weekends they are here and he decided to take matters into his own hands. Maybe he is trying to make breakfast cereal the new national currency. Maybe he is just clueless. Whatever he is, I just hope he doen't show up with a bag full of underwear next time!
On a side note, I cried a little on the inside when I threw out the boxes. I love cereal. Pepsi and cereal (not together) are probably half the reason I have diabetes now. Especially the Peanut Butter Crunch! I was always a big fan of the Cap'n. Most of the varities were good, except for the all Crunch Berries though (not a big fan). I tend to enjoy the chocolate cereals. Old recipe Count Chocula was the greatest chocolate cereal of all time (in my opinion) Now, if I get a chocolate cereal fix, give me the Coco Pebbles. I need to stop now, I am starting to get very hungry!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
On Porn in the Workplace
Most companies seem to frown upon their employees viewing porn in the workplace. By this I mean that people are discouraged from jumping onto websites like Barely Legal and Penthouse, downloading a bunch of photos and/or videos and viewing them in their cubicles. Unfortunately the only thing that probably prevents most people from downloading illicit material at work, (well, despite the fact that most people have no interest in viewing porn at work) is the belief that IT is monitoring their computers. I'm not trying to imply that IT isn't monitoring, I'm just making the point that it is this fear of being caught and knowing what the consequences of their actions will be is a major deterrent to the porn enthusiast. I'm not sure what those consequences are, but I am sure it will probably not be good for the longevity of a persons career at most companies.
Despite the fact that these policies are in place, it certainly does not prevent the occasional picture or inappropriate item from going around the office. I do remember seeing a close up of Janet Jackson's nipple from that fateful Sunday go around the office and someone recently had an eraser in the shape of a penis that they were waving around. This is usually pretty harmless and good for a laugh or two, just like the photos of the people of Walmart that always seem to circulate. But in terms of hardcore erotica, why would anyone want to bring it to work? To me that is the true mind blower. Without trying to sound too sexist, porn is primarily a guy thing, and seeming as I am a guy who has viewed my share porn throughout the years, it has primarily been used for a specific purpose. A purpose that would really be the end of someone's career if they were caught doing at the workplace. And let me tell you, that would be in the top three of the most humiliating (and saddest) reasons for being terminated. Though I do wonder if you could file a sexual harassment suit against yourself?
But all of this seems to be common sense. I mean, your not going to bring a copy of Hustler and "read" it at your desk or bring it to the bathroom to "read". Your not going to throw a copy of In-Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon in your computer and kick back and watch it while you work. So many of you may be asking why I am even bringing this up?
Well let me answer this by saying that there has been a lot of buzz in the office (well actually everywhere, it would seem) about a particular series of books, the 50 Shades of Grey series by E.L. James. I happened to be looking through my sisters audio library, to see if there were any books I'd like to listen to, when I noticed she had this three book series. Having exhausted most of the other audio books she possessed I decided to give these a listen.
Now I did not go into this naive, I was warned it was pretty sexually explicit and there was even a disclaimer at the beginning of the audio book warning the listener of the strong sexual content, but to quote the main character. "Holy Crap! My inner goddess fell out of her chair and looked guiltily around the office." (not a direct quote, but the main character says holy <fill in the blank> and makes references to her inner goddess and what she is doing a million times through the series.) Now I don't want to give too much away, but the basic story is that a sexually naive woman meets a super attractive billionaire and falls for him. Unfortunately he ends up having a lot of relationship (and sexual) issues and will only agree to "date" her if she because his submissive. There is a lot of, to again quote the book, kinky fuckery.
Now I listen to a lot of books at work, as my job is mind numbingly boring and I can listen and work without the two activities interfering with each other. I usually only listen to either science fiction or fantasy books, and to tell you the truth, there are not a lot of hardcore sex scenes in them (though, sometimes I wish there were more. But then again, after just finishing up the Game of Throne series, it would be nice to hear about people who weren't related having sex). This genre of book was totally alien to me. As I started my journey with young Anastasia Steele, I began to realize that all the things everyone said about these books were true. There are many very explicit sex scenes throughout the books, almost to the point where you could consider it porn (though it is actually classified as erotic fiction). I found the whole thing to be a bit surreal. There I was at my desk, doing my job, people all around me in their cubicles working, others walking around going about their daily activities, while these tawdry sex scenes are going into my ear.
For example.
“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again."
Co worker walking up to my desk
<Me pressing pause button>
Coworker: "Hey, did you do the Santa Rosa daily for today?"
Me: "Yes"
Co-worker: "Ok, thanks!"
co worker leaves
<Me pressing play button>
"My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
Now I was a little leery about listening to this at work, especially as I began to hear the sex scenes. With it being "erotica," I was a little worried about how I would react to it. Would I have to take a minute or two before I got up to get something from the printer? Would I just be sitting there all flushed and sweaty, looking embarrassed all day? Would I end up running to the bathroom and spending a little to much time with myself in one of the stalls? I am an adult (even though I don't act like one most of the time) and I do have a good deal of self control, so I figured I could handle it (no pun intended here) and banged out the entire series(that one was intended).
I will probably not listen to any more books like this at work, especially from this author (I thought the books were complete crap, but maybe I'll write a review as another post). I shall return to the nice safe world of Science Fiction and Fantasy, where there is no talk of butt plugs and nipple clamps. But I hope this post gets you to think, the next time you walk up to someone at work (or on the bus, or dentist office) and their kindle, or other listening device is out, and they are buried in their head phones, what book could they be listening to? And have we all just discovered a way to get around that no Porn in the work place rule?
On a side note, I have decided to write a book based on Fifty Shades of Grey. It is about a naive woman who falls in love and marries a guy, moves in with him and discovers he is a nerd of epic levels. She finds herself plunged into a world of Star Wars, Star Trek, Dungeons and Dragons, Lord of the Rings and so much more. I am calling it Fifty Shades of Geek.
Despite the fact that these policies are in place, it certainly does not prevent the occasional picture or inappropriate item from going around the office. I do remember seeing a close up of Janet Jackson's nipple from that fateful Sunday go around the office and someone recently had an eraser in the shape of a penis that they were waving around. This is usually pretty harmless and good for a laugh or two, just like the photos of the people of Walmart that always seem to circulate. But in terms of hardcore erotica, why would anyone want to bring it to work? To me that is the true mind blower. Without trying to sound too sexist, porn is primarily a guy thing, and seeming as I am a guy who has viewed my share porn throughout the years, it has primarily been used for a specific purpose. A purpose that would really be the end of someone's career if they were caught doing at the workplace. And let me tell you, that would be in the top three of the most humiliating (and saddest) reasons for being terminated. Though I do wonder if you could file a sexual harassment suit against yourself?
But all of this seems to be common sense. I mean, your not going to bring a copy of Hustler and "read" it at your desk or bring it to the bathroom to "read". Your not going to throw a copy of In-Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon in your computer and kick back and watch it while you work. So many of you may be asking why I am even bringing this up?
Well let me answer this by saying that there has been a lot of buzz in the office (well actually everywhere, it would seem) about a particular series of books, the 50 Shades of Grey series by E.L. James. I happened to be looking through my sisters audio library, to see if there were any books I'd like to listen to, when I noticed she had this three book series. Having exhausted most of the other audio books she possessed I decided to give these a listen.
Now I did not go into this naive, I was warned it was pretty sexually explicit and there was even a disclaimer at the beginning of the audio book warning the listener of the strong sexual content, but to quote the main character. "Holy Crap! My inner goddess fell out of her chair and looked guiltily around the office." (not a direct quote, but the main character says holy <fill in the blank> and makes references to her inner goddess and what she is doing a million times through the series.) Now I don't want to give too much away, but the basic story is that a sexually naive woman meets a super attractive billionaire and falls for him. Unfortunately he ends up having a lot of relationship (and sexual) issues and will only agree to "date" her if she because his submissive. There is a lot of, to again quote the book, kinky fuckery.
Now I listen to a lot of books at work, as my job is mind numbingly boring and I can listen and work without the two activities interfering with each other. I usually only listen to either science fiction or fantasy books, and to tell you the truth, there are not a lot of hardcore sex scenes in them (though, sometimes I wish there were more. But then again, after just finishing up the Game of Throne series, it would be nice to hear about people who weren't related having sex). This genre of book was totally alien to me. As I started my journey with young Anastasia Steele, I began to realize that all the things everyone said about these books were true. There are many very explicit sex scenes throughout the books, almost to the point where you could consider it porn (though it is actually classified as erotic fiction). I found the whole thing to be a bit surreal. There I was at my desk, doing my job, people all around me in their cubicles working, others walking around going about their daily activities, while these tawdry sex scenes are going into my ear.
For example.
“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again."
Co worker walking up to my desk
<Me pressing pause button>
Coworker: "Hey, did you do the Santa Rosa daily for today?"
Me: "Yes"
Co-worker: "Ok, thanks!"
co worker leaves
<Me pressing play button>
"My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
Now I was a little leery about listening to this at work, especially as I began to hear the sex scenes. With it being "erotica," I was a little worried about how I would react to it. Would I have to take a minute or two before I got up to get something from the printer? Would I just be sitting there all flushed and sweaty, looking embarrassed all day? Would I end up running to the bathroom and spending a little to much time with myself in one of the stalls? I am an adult (even though I don't act like one most of the time) and I do have a good deal of self control, so I figured I could handle it (no pun intended here) and banged out the entire series(that one was intended).
I will probably not listen to any more books like this at work, especially from this author (I thought the books were complete crap, but maybe I'll write a review as another post). I shall return to the nice safe world of Science Fiction and Fantasy, where there is no talk of butt plugs and nipple clamps. But I hope this post gets you to think, the next time you walk up to someone at work (or on the bus, or dentist office) and their kindle, or other listening device is out, and they are buried in their head phones, what book could they be listening to? And have we all just discovered a way to get around that no Porn in the work place rule?
On a side note, I have decided to write a book based on Fifty Shades of Grey. It is about a naive woman who falls in love and marries a guy, moves in with him and discovers he is a nerd of epic levels. She finds herself plunged into a world of Star Wars, Star Trek, Dungeons and Dragons, Lord of the Rings and so much more. I am calling it Fifty Shades of Geek.
Friday, May 18, 2012
On Urinals and Midgets
Well, despite the fact that I said I would not be using toilet humor, I am going to go ahead and contradict myself by starting off with a bit of toilet humor. And when I say that, I mean it literally. Now I am probably going to lose half of the readers right away (the XX chromosome half that is) by talking about urinals. Like most bathrooms, the ones we have at work contain two urinals. One is at what we will call a "normal" height, the other is about a foot shorter. I have always thought of this lower one as the kids urinal, since it is closer to the ground and thus easier for a child to reach without making a horrible mess. I have to admit that I always try to use this one, firstly because I still consider myself a big child, secondly it makes me feel like a giant (or an NBA star at the very least).
One day, while using the "kids" urinal it dawned on me, Why would the company need to have a kids' urinal in the rest room? We don't employ children (this is frowned upon in many countries, and there are very specific laws on the books here to prevent it from happening). There aren't a lot of children coming to visit the company. Schools seem to have little interest in conducting field trips to explore the exciting world of television listings and employees are not allowed to have their children sit in their cubicles while they work (even if they would want them there).
Then it suddenly occurred to me... midgets (or little people if you prefer).
Could these shorter urinals really be there to accommodate the needs of any employees that the company has or might hire in the future that are of the shorter variety? Is there a law somewhere that says you need to have one "little person" urinal? Have "little" employees ever sued a company for not having short urinals or quit because a company didn't have any? Has this urinal situation come about because companies care about the toilet accessibility of its employees or is this just a product of our litigious, politically correct society?
What would be the alternative to installing midget friendly urinals, a foot stool? That would certainly be much cheaper, but let me tell you, based on my aim and the generous amounts of "water" on the floor in front of most urinals I have used, that would be the last stool I would ever want to touch (and on the bad pun side of the fence, there is only one foot stool I would ever like to see, and I usually flush it afterwards). Then it occurs to me that I am waaaaaay over thinking this. It is probably just the way the manufacturer sells them (or contractors installs them) and there probably is no agenda by anyone concerned. Though the thought of a "little person" conspiracy theory would be pretty interesting.... All I know for sure is that no matter what the reason, I will forever refer to them as the midget urinals (or little person urinals if I am feeling politically correct that day).
And on a urinal side note, a friend of mine once said that it would be awesome if the urinals would play music when you stepped up to them. And why not, they have the auto flushers (which will be a whole other post at another time), so maybe the motion sensor could fire up some rousing music. Something relaxing to enhance the experience. Now, the company that manufactures the urinals at work is named ToTo. The name is right on the top and I see it whenever I look down while I'm taking care of business. Because it shares the name with the popular 80's band, every time I walk up to it I hear "... I bless the rains down in Africa....." in my head. I really don't know what song I would rather hear. Feel free to share.
And on a side, side note, I noticed next to the company logo are two measurements. 1.0 Gpf/ 3.8 Lpf. Seriously? They have invented a measurement especially for toilets? I assume it is for toilets only, as I cannot even come up with another thing that flushes. I wish I could just make up a system of measurement for something that I do. Maybe my left butt cheek could have 3 Fpd. (any one who knows me will probably say it should be about 30 Fpd).
One day, while using the "kids" urinal it dawned on me, Why would the company need to have a kids' urinal in the rest room? We don't employ children (this is frowned upon in many countries, and there are very specific laws on the books here to prevent it from happening). There aren't a lot of children coming to visit the company. Schools seem to have little interest in conducting field trips to explore the exciting world of television listings and employees are not allowed to have their children sit in their cubicles while they work (even if they would want them there).
Then it suddenly occurred to me... midgets (or little people if you prefer).
Could these shorter urinals really be there to accommodate the needs of any employees that the company has or might hire in the future that are of the shorter variety? Is there a law somewhere that says you need to have one "little person" urinal? Have "little" employees ever sued a company for not having short urinals or quit because a company didn't have any? Has this urinal situation come about because companies care about the toilet accessibility of its employees or is this just a product of our litigious, politically correct society?
What would be the alternative to installing midget friendly urinals, a foot stool? That would certainly be much cheaper, but let me tell you, based on my aim and the generous amounts of "water" on the floor in front of most urinals I have used, that would be the last stool I would ever want to touch (and on the bad pun side of the fence, there is only one foot stool I would ever like to see, and I usually flush it afterwards). Then it occurs to me that I am waaaaaay over thinking this. It is probably just the way the manufacturer sells them (or contractors installs them) and there probably is no agenda by anyone concerned. Though the thought of a "little person" conspiracy theory would be pretty interesting.... All I know for sure is that no matter what the reason, I will forever refer to them as the midget urinals (or little person urinals if I am feeling politically correct that day).
And on a urinal side note, a friend of mine once said that it would be awesome if the urinals would play music when you stepped up to them. And why not, they have the auto flushers (which will be a whole other post at another time), so maybe the motion sensor could fire up some rousing music. Something relaxing to enhance the experience. Now, the company that manufactures the urinals at work is named ToTo. The name is right on the top and I see it whenever I look down while I'm taking care of business. Because it shares the name with the popular 80's band, every time I walk up to it I hear "... I bless the rains down in Africa....." in my head. I really don't know what song I would rather hear. Feel free to share.
And on a side, side note, I noticed next to the company logo are two measurements. 1.0 Gpf/ 3.8 Lpf. Seriously? They have invented a measurement especially for toilets? I assume it is for toilets only, as I cannot even come up with another thing that flushes. I wish I could just make up a system of measurement for something that I do. Maybe my left butt cheek could have 3 Fpd. (any one who knows me will probably say it should be about 30 Fpd).
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
By Way of Explanation
The purpose of this blog is to share some of the random, and often frightening thoughts that go through my brain on a regular basis. I can in no way guarantee that the thoughts will make sense, or be on any particular subject, but hopefully they will be entertaining and maybe even educational. I will try to get a post up a week, but make no promises.
The name of the blog comes from the place where I find myself with the most free, pure, uninterrupted time to think. I have done a lot of writing while upon the throne, but I promise that this will not be simply a discussion of my bowel movements or a bunch of toilet humor. Whether it be a random observation about a movie I just watched, or something that has happened to me, I will be gathering my thoughts together, writing them down and sharing them with you.
I am not a writer. I have tried on several occasions to write books and screen plays, but having never taken any English classes beyond high school, my grammar and spelling may be pretty bad at time (unless I have enough time to let my beautiful wife look it over before hand).
There may be some bad language and some of the subject matter may not be appropriate for young children (and some adults). So be warned. Feel free to comment or add anything to the posts, as I will probably not bother to do any real research.
The name of the blog comes from the place where I find myself with the most free, pure, uninterrupted time to think. I have done a lot of writing while upon the throne, but I promise that this will not be simply a discussion of my bowel movements or a bunch of toilet humor. Whether it be a random observation about a movie I just watched, or something that has happened to me, I will be gathering my thoughts together, writing them down and sharing them with you.
I am not a writer. I have tried on several occasions to write books and screen plays, but having never taken any English classes beyond high school, my grammar and spelling may be pretty bad at time (unless I have enough time to let my beautiful wife look it over before hand).
There may be some bad language and some of the subject matter may not be appropriate for young children (and some adults). So be warned. Feel free to comment or add anything to the posts, as I will probably not bother to do any real research.
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