On Being the Little Fat Boy That Nobody Loved, Part 1

How I thought of myself through high school

Well, I had this post all written, but technology failed me and I am writing it all over again. Maybe it will go faster the second time. The title of this post is a reference to the movie One Crazy Summer starring John Cusak, Demi Moore, Bobcat Goldthwait, Curtis Armstrong (that would be Booger from Revenge of the Nerds or Ms. DiPesto's love interest on Moonlighting) and many other actors you may or may not have heard of. The guy who wrote/directed it is the same guy who did Better Off Dead. These are both wonderful examples of stupid 1980's comedies and I highly recommend them to anyone who hasn't seen them! "Two dollars!"

I am not going to go too much into the plot of One Crazy Summer, but there is a scene I love where Bobcat's character is trying to cheer up Booger's (sorry, he will always be Booger to me). It goes something like this....

Bobcat: "Let me tell you the story of the little fat boy that nobody loved. Everyone used to make fun of him and say he talked funny and he had a twin brother and they said he didn't look like him, but he wanted too."

Booger: "Egg, were you that little boy?"

Bobcat: "No, no, but I used to grab him and hit him and say 'Why are you so fat? Why are you so fat?'"

This is not a perfect transcript but I will post a link to the scene.

I used to do a poor Bobcat impression and would rattle off these lines to get a laugh from my peers in high school. I would often project myself as being the little fat boy that nobody loved, and as I said, I would get a laugh. The sad thing was though, I actually felt that way about myself--not the whole twin thing or the talking funny part, but the fat thing for sure.

Me in Kindergarten (Skinny)

I really don't know when my negative self image began. When I was in Kindergarten I was skinny, and I even remember asking a girl to be my girlfriend. She said no, but I remember not really caring. I was too young to even know what a "girlfriend" was. As I worked my way up the classes I started to swell up. (I was never Fat Albert fat, more John Belushi fat.) I am not sure when I was officially fat, or even remember when I became overweight, but it happened. To be honest with you, I really didn't care that much about it in the lower grades. It seems that as my interest in girls increased, so did my awareness of all my flaws. Coincidence perhaps? Doubtful!

I think my negative self awareness really started around 5th - 6th grade. Being overweight was just one of my "problems." First off, I was a nerd. This was back in the 80's when being a nerd was not as acceptable as it seems now. I had always loved sci-fi and fantasy books and was just starting to learn about a game called Dungeons and Dragons. These were things I loved, yet in junior high and beyond I felt the need to hide my interests. I did not want people to think I was a nerd (and by people, I primarily meant girls).

Another "problem" I had at the time was that I was very immature and naive for my age. I was immature in that I still liked action figures and toys that I was probably too old for. My parents did not have a ton of money so I always brown-bagged my lunch. I can remember that I really wanted a lunch box and asked my parents for one for several years. One year, they decided to buy me one. It was an NFL lunchbox--metal, like they should be, with all of the teams' helmets on it. AFC on one side, NFC on the other. I thought it was the best, and proudly carried it to school. One of the first times I brought, it a girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you too old to have a lunch box?" I was crushed. I don't think I brought my lunch box ever again. I was a freshman in college at the time, and it stung... just kidding. I can't remember what grade I was in but it is amazing how something so small can stick with you for so long. And more importantly, why did I care what she thought?

I said that I was also naive, and when it came to girls I was absolutely clueless. If I had been able to get a girlfriend back then, I wouldn't have known what to do with her. I am not talking about sex or anything like that, though I do not even remember when the birds and bees talk came (or even if I ever got one from my dad). I knew that there was hand holding involved, going on dates and some kissing maybe. This naivete lasted well into junior high, when the whole interest-in-sex thing started to kick in. I remember my friends talking about a B.J. in study hall once and I just pretended that I knew what they were talking about. I had no clue. Wasn't that the truck driver who had a monkey named Bear?

The last thing that really plagued me is that I was incredibly shy, especially around girls. I don't know if it was a result of all the other issues I had, or was just there inside of me all along. Anyone who knew me back then might not believe this, but it was true. I played sports and got along with everyone, and was even voted class clown my senior year, but most of it was just an act. I would hide behind my sense of humor, and act like an idiot to avoid talking directly to girls. I keep going back to the topic of women, because let's face it, in high school, that was one of my biggest concerns. Yes, I wanted to get good grades and get into a good college, but more importantly: I wanted a girlfriend. And that is where having such a negative self image did not help me.

I had mentioned that I was voted class clown, but to be honest with you, this did not help me on my quest for a girlfriend. The reason for this was that the main source of my comedy was myself. I unmercifully made fun of myself around anyone who would listen. In some ways I thought if I made fun of myself first, it would prevent others from doing it. It sounds like very messed up logic, but I think it is common with people who have confidence issues. I certainly could make people laugh, but after pointing out all of my flaws, it was sure difficult to approach girls and ask them out. Instead of using my sense of humor to attract girls, I basically used it to reinforce my horrible sense of self loathing. How can anyone love you if you can't love yourself? There is truth in this, but it still sounds like Oprah psycho-babble.

By the time I got into junior high I was acutely aware of what I considered my many flaws. I felt like I was huge and ugly and because I was so shy, I didn't even have a personality to fall back on. This was before I really established myself as a comedic virtuoso, so I really did not feel I had a lot to look forward to. I had no confidence in myself and that, I believe, is the one trait most women look for in a guy. This is why the cute girls always seem to end up with the "assholes" and not the chubby nerds. My theory was proved correct one day when I walked into a classroom where I had left my books and someone had written on one of my notebooks, in very girly handwriting "Don't be fat." I can remember that upsetting me so much that I almost cried at my desk. I shouldn't have cared, but I did.

As junior high turned into high school, I remained girlfriendless and my self image continued its steady downward spiral. There had to be a reason I did not have a girlfriend. I watched others date and get girlfriends and do all the things I wanted to do, yet I was still alone. I thought it was going to be like a TV show or a movie: I would let my friends know I liked a girl. My friends would tell their female friends. The female friends would tell the girl I liked that I liked her. It would reverse back through the chain that she liked me too, and I would ask her out, and TA-DA! I would have a girlfriend. This goes to show you how naive I was. I was also so afraid of being rejected that I never really made it known who I wanted to date. Little did anyone know, I would have dated just about anyone. There were a couple of girls I pined for more than any of the others, but really I would have been fine with any number of my female peers.

One of the girls I pined for most was a girl I rode the bus with for many years. She was popular, a cheerleader, and--as I thought at the time--the most beautiful girl in the school. Aaaah, to be young and in love/lust. I actually worked up enough courage to sit next to her on the bus a few times and fire up a conversation. Unfortunately, it turned into me trying to get her to feel sorry for me. I was hoping that sympathy could turn into love, or at least like. My ultimate goal was that she would know how I felt about her because I sat down and talked to her. This was a technique I also tried to employ all the way through college (I am not going into college in this post). Needless to say, it did not work. Although my attempts at dating her failed, she did write a very nice note to me in my yearbook at the end of senior year. I looked back at it and reread it many, many times, wondering what would have happened if I just showed a little confidence and asked her out.

After I lost weight

Junior year of high school arrived and something miraculous happened. Over the summer I grew about an inch or two and lost twenty pounds. I was down to 180 pounds and looking good! Well, that is what I should have thought, but I didn't. I still saw the fat, ugly kid that no girls were interested in. Nobody could convince me that I was thin. Well, maybe if I had a girlfriend, she could have convinced me, but alas, that was not in the cards. I felt fatter back then than I did at any point in my life. (even now).

I ended up taking a friend of my brother's to my junior prom. She was someone I thought was very cute and would have loved to have dated. My brother had basically pre-asked her if she would go with me and she had said yes. Had I asked a girl I was interested in, without my brother arranging it in advance, it might hav built my confidence (unless she turned me down). It took me a while but I did finally did ask her to go with me. She said yes, and we went. We had a good time, I believe. Well, we didn't exactly go to the prom alone together. A friend of mine was taking a friend of hers so we decided to double date. It gave me a way to avoid direct interactions with my date. Most of the experience has faded, but the one thing I remember was my date's friend asking me to do something different with my hands because the way I was holding her during a slow dance was gradually pulling her dress down. I had never really danced before. I went to all of the school dances, but I just sat back in a corner with my friends complaining about the music, wishing someone would come ask me to dance. (If the music was so bad, why did I go to all the dances? That's where the girls were!)

I recall nothing about the after-prom party (and seeming I did not drink then or now, I have nothing to blame this on except my age), not even if my date went with me. I spent most of the party hanging out with my friends, fantasizing about prom party movies and hoping that some magic moment would materialize where the girl I had pined for all of this time confessed she loved me and we would sneak off somewhere shed our virginities. It did not happen--in fact, I don't even think I talked to a girl that night. Despite the lack of anything significant happening between me and my prom date, I figured the seeds of a relationship had been planted and perhaps something might blossom out of it. Unfortunately what happened that summer would scar me forever! (Okay, that was a little melodramatic, but read on, and you will see what I am talking about.)

My brother and his friend said that they were going to go camping up in Lake George that summer and that the girl I took to the prom was going to be at the campgrounds as well. I asked if I could go with them and they agreed. I was on cloud nine! I fantasized about asking her out, going out on the town, hand in hand, chilling together at the beach and making out at the campsite. My libido was on overdrive. The time came to go to the campground; she was there and things were going well. I got to hang out with her -- not alone, but still, I was trying to build up the courage to ask her out. Then one day she came over and asked if I would like to go down to the beach with her. I could have died right then. I was convinced, that after so many years of nobody showing any interest in me, here was a beautiful girl that liked me. She said yes to going to the prom with me, after all. Maybe she actually liked me and was not just doing a favor for my brother. (I had convinced myself that was the only reason she agreed to go to the prom with me.)

We went to the beach and lied there for a couple of hours. I tried to say a lot of things but my shyness was shutting my mouth down. I just stared at her, with my eyes 98% closed so she wouldn't see me watching her. Eventually it was time to go, and I hadn't asked her, but I was almost sure she would say yes when I did. Maybe when we got back to the campsite we would just sit and talk for a while, then I would ask. But as we were walking back she told me that she had to stop somewhere on the way back. Well, we ended up stopping at a store, where her boyfriend was waiting for her. I was crushed! On the way back to the campsite, I walked a little ahead of them to let them have some space, but really it was just so they wouldn't see the tears that were threatening to flood out of my eyes (yes, I am a cryer). To add salt in the wound, I overheard the two of them talking and her saying "You aren't jealous of HIM are you?" I don't know if she emphasized the "him" or not but my brain put it there. We got back to the camp, I climbed into my bed, put in the new cassette tape either I or my brother had just bought (Van Halen's 51/50), cranked it up and cried into my pillow.

To add a little more salt to the wound, I got fired up that evening, decided I was going to go wander the streets of Lake George, meet a cute girl, have my first kiss and have an awesome end of the trip. I would do anything that would help me forget all about the humiliation I just suffered. I showered, got dressed and headed out. Well I hadn't even got to the main street when I passed a group of young guys and girls. They looked at me and started laughing amongst themselves. I have never been a fashion plate, I will admit to that, and that night was no exception. I had and have no style, preferring comfortable, affordable clothes to expensive fashion. Well, after I passed the group and heard a couple of snide comments, I turned around and went back to the camp. I spent the night with Sammy Hagar (I would have preferred David Lee Roth, but, that ship had sailed, unfortunately.) Even typing this brings back all sorts of emotions. The thought of trying to win my prom date from her current boyfriend never crossed my mind. I was convinced that she asked me to the beach just because she took pity on me or maybe my brother had asked her to be nice to me. All I know is that, at the time, I was devestated, and my self confidence was even further in the hole.

Well, senior year of high school came and I had a whole school year to make a love connection. Unfortunately, there were no operators standing by. Senior year came and went, and still no girlfriend. I think I had just about given up by then. I figured if no one had shown any interest up until then, I must be unlovable. I still had a mega-crush on the one cheerleader who rode my bus and I kept trying to say something, but couldn't. Eventually I decided to put all of my hopes into college. Well there were a couple of almost girlfriends but I am realizing I am drifting away from what I wanted to talk about in the first place.

What I am trying to say, is that having a negative self image is a terrible thing. It is amazing how skewed one's view of one's self can be. You can convince yourself of almost anything, whether it is true or not. I was utterly convinced that I was ugly, fat and worthless when I was younger and to some degree, I feel some of those feelings still. It affected all the relationships I had, and affects the one I am in now. The big difference between then and now is that I have someone in my life who makes me feel that I actually am worth something. Some of the old insecurities creep in from time to time but overall, I have come a long way. Someday I will shed all of my insecurities and see myself as my wife sees me. Maybe then I can work up my self confidence, track down those girls who I had a crush on in high school and see if they would like to hook up.... just kidding!