Well, Halloween is finally over in our house, just in time for Thanksgiving. I don't consider Halloween to be over until the last piece of candy is gone--that is, the last piece of the candy that I want to eat--both from the leftover "to hand out" candy and the plundering of my daughter's stash. I love candy! I wish I had the self-control to avoid it at this time of year, primarily because of my type 2 diabetes, but I am powerless to resist its siren call.
We never seem to get many trick-or-treaters at our house, despite the fact that our neighborhood is crawling with the little candy-sucking fiends. I think they stay away because we don't really have an outdoor light, but it might be because everyone just hates me--just kidding! (I hope!) I would say I find the lack of candy-seeking traffic frustrating, but to be honest with you, it just means I get to eat more candy at the end of the day. This is why I always buy candy that I like.
My daughter is one and a half years old so this Halloween was her first real trick-or-treating experience. We took her around with my other three kids last year (their mom actually let me take them out), but I didn't collect any candy for her, since she was so young. I am not the type of parent who totes his child from house to house, collecting candy that my kid cannot eat. Unless you are going to put the candy in a food processor, I don't see how a child under the age of one is going to eat it. I always want to keep a jar of baby food handy on Halloween just in case we get some parents knocking on our doors trying to pull this candy-grabbing scam. Candy denied! Go to the store and buy some candy for yourselves, you cheapskates! I can see taking your baby to friends' or relatives' houses so they can see the baby in costume, but that is about it. If the child can't hold the bag, they shouldn't be trick or treating!
I could also go on a rant about kids with facial hair trick-or-treating or how much I hate kids who don't even bother dressing up, but that subject has been covered by many, many people. I did not want to write this post about the act of trick-or-treating. If you want to hear an awesome bit of comedy about trick-or-treating, give a listen to Greg Behrendt's routine on the subject. It's off his Uncool show and if you look up Cry Baby Spider Man on YouTube (or buy the DVD--I don't mind promoting it), I am sure you will find it and laugh.
Let's get back to the candy! As anyone who knows me can tell you, I love chocolate. My favorite candy bar used to be Three Musketeers, but I have grown more into a Snickers/Baby Ruth kind of guy. I like my candy with a bit more substance! The candy bar companies,however, don't seem that interested in me getting the amount of candy that I desire. They do have king-sized candy, but Halloween is all about bite-sized and fun-sized portions. At least the term "bite-size" is an accurate description of the product. The "fun-size" is a lie. There is nothing fun about a candy bar that small. It would be more accurate to call it "candy-tease-size".
I am one of the least-fussy people around when it comes to candy (or any food, for that matter.) I will eat anything that is either wholly chocolate or coated in chocolate: Milky Ways, Reese's Peanut Putter Cups, M&M's, straight Hershey's Chocolate Bars, Kit Kats, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers, and Almond Joys all are happily eaten and greatly enjoyed. Caramel! Ooooh goodness, I love caramel. Milk Duds, Sugar Daddy's and Babies (whatever happened to the Sugar Mama's anyway?) Peanuts... PEANUTS! Pay Day, Peanut M&M's, etc. YUUUM! I think my blood sugar shot up 200 points just from typing that.
There are some chocolatey bars that I am not super fond of, and these are the last ones I eat when the pile of candy is running out. Thankfully for my taste buds, but unfortunately for my medical condition, this is a very small list. I am sorry to say that I am not the biggest Butterfinger fan. Bart Simpson can have them--well, unless there are no other candies left. Whoppers also sit in the bucket to the very end. Something about malt balls just doesn't do it for me. Speaking of Whoppers, or about malt balls in general, does anyone ever actually just pop them in their mouth and chew away? I always break the little ball in half once it's in my mouth, and then let my saliva dissolve the malty center out so that only the chocolate remains. And then I eat the chocolate of course.
I am also not the biggest fan of the non-chocolate stuff, but I will eat it in a pinch. Starbursts, Skittles, Gummi Bears, Dots all are good. Lollipops don't really do it for me, especially Dum Dums. It will have to be a candy crisis of Armageddon proportions to eat Dum Dums. Tootsie Pops, however, I will eat. A lot of licks go into it (the Owl lies!) but you do end up with a bit of chocolate in the end. Hard candy in general has no business in Halloween. I have to be in a certain mood to eat hard candy. Butterscotches, Jolly Ranchers, generic red, green and purple candies have their place--just not in my Halloween basket. Some people complain about Mary Janes; please send them to my house if you don't want them. They are cheap, but all right in my book. When exactly did this post turn into a list of my favorite and least-favorite candies?
Regardless of my preferences in candy, I am not supposed to have any of it. Before, I would consume mass quantities of candy without a second thought. Even in a non-Halloween situation, if I wanted a candy bar, I would buy it and eat it. Now, every bit of candy I eat is accompanied by guilt. Or maybe I should say, the feeling that I am slowly killing myself. I certainly want to be around for a long time and see all my kids grow up and have kids of their own. I also want to spend as much time on this earth with my wife that I missed so much time with. But, dammit, candy is sooo goooood.
Don't even talk to me about sugar-free candy. Sure, it tastes fine, but it is much more expensive. And, not to get too graphic, but it is not nearly as kind to me coming out as it is going in. It is my preferred stool softener, in fact. I can get a bag of the sugar-free turtles and have the whole bag gone in about 10 minutes. It is like a lot of diabetic-friendly foods: yes, they are "better" for you, but if you eat 5 times more than you should, it is just as bad as if you ate the non-sugar free stuff. (Well, I could eat a bag of the sugar stuff in about 5 minutes also, so I guess it is better in the long run.)
My blood sugar levels are still a little bit high but they have been getting better. I am on a couple of medicines now and have not gotten to the point where I need insulin (though I see it coming someday, I just hope I can hold it off as long as possible). My brother recently got diagnosed with diabetes as well and he went in and had stomach surgery (not sure which one) and now does not have it. I don't know if this is an option for me or not, but I would not want to do it. I love to eat and it seems I should have enough self control to eat better. For the most part I do, but during times like Halloween (and soon Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then Easter...), my self control slips.
I know this post seems to ramble a bit, but it is just an example of how much I love candy. It has the power to distract me as much as any attractive woman I have ever seen (except for my beautiful wife, of course... he says, lying unsuccessfully...). I have found that the best way for me to resist candy's temptation is to keep it as far from me as possible. If I don't have candy in the house, then I can't eat it. (This is the same strategy I use for all not-so-good-for-diabetics foods). When Halloween rolls around, it becomes impossible to keep candy out of the house. You have to buy candy to give to all the little costumed beggars that come to your home. Candy is everywhere in the stores weeks before the holiday, and it is on sale. Let's not forget the candy your child brings home. You need to check it and make sure there are no razor blades or anything in it, right?
Once candy has penetrated the home it takes over my mind. I know it is in the house. I know what kind there is and which ones I want to eat. I think about it--obsess over it. And then, of course, I begin to consume it. I start having the same ridiculous debate I always have with myself when a candy influx situation has developed: Should I eat all the candy in two days and have my blood sugar spike for those two days or do I eat it slowly and prolong the higher levels for a week or two? I should do some research and find out which would be better, but again, I am a lazy researcher. As long as I don't slip into a coma, the first option seems plausible (and preferred).
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