On My Criminal Record

Not many of you know this about me, but I have a criminal record. I have a Class B Misdemeanor for Check Fraud. It sounds a lot more exciting than it actually is. Check Fraud makes it sound like I was in the basement with my secret check-making press, working for the criminal underground or something--but it was nothing like that. Let me tell you how it happened.

This was back in the dark days when I was still married to my first wife. We were living in a room off of her parents' house and were not exactly raking in the money. In fact, I think I was between jobs at the time, which was why we were living there. Her parents were not the Rockefellers either; they survived on my ex's father's disability check and whatever odd jobs he could pick up. They also supported their other three children who, I believe, at the time were still in school.

Because my ex-father-in-law received a monthly check, they were usually getting low on cash at the end of every month. He had an arrangement set up with the local hardware store that he would post-date a check and they would hold it for him and cash it once his disability check came in.

For whatever reason, one month my ex-father-in-law asked me if I would be willing to write a check for him. I don't know if they were out of checks or if they had already written one that month but for some reason, he needed one. He explained how the arrangement with the hardware store worked and guaranteed me that everything would be fine. The store would hold my check until he got his disability check, no worries. I explained that I only had about 15 dollars in the bank at the time, and would not even come close to covering the check. I didn't even have enough to cover the bounced check fees if they did put the check through. Again, he reassured me that there would not be a problem. I wrote the check and that was that.

We were running low on groceries at the time so I went up to the local grocery store and wrote a check for about twelve dollars and restocked--well, as much as purchasing twelve dollars in groceries can be called restocking. Well, as you all will be quite shocked to hear, the hardware store cashed my check early. Yes, I can hear the gasps of surprise from here. The hardware store check bounced and the bank charged me for the insufficient funds. This lowered my account low enough where the $12 check to the grocery store bounced as well.

I went to my ex-father-in-law and wanted to say "WHAT THE F.....???", but because I am waaaay to laid back, I merely said "What the heck?" He told me that a new employee at the hardware accidentally put the check through and he promised he would take care of it. I asked if this also applied to the grocery store and he said of course. After he had received his check, he said that he talked to all the people involved everything was all set. He even gave me money to cover the bounced check fees.

At this point, I should mention something important: The very same local grocery store that I had wrote the check to had been robbed shortly after the check had bounced. Their safe had been cleared out. I don't know if they ever caught the person who did it, but it was the talk of the town. There was even a debate in our household at the time whether or not my bounced check ended up stolen with the rest of the safe's contents. My ex-father-in-law said that he talked to the store owner and it was all taken care of. I should have been suspicious, because he never came right out and said that he paid the check, just that it was taken care of. I took him at his word and put it out of my mind.

Fast forward about six months. We were still living with my in-laws, but I had a job and had been working for a while. I came home from work and my wife said that a sheriff had stopped at the house and needed me to come up to the jail. They apparently needed to talk to me about something, so I headed up. I asked my wife if they said what it was about and she said no. It was only about a five-minute drive, so I didn't really have a lot of time to think about it, but I was very curious. What could the sheriff have wanted? I was utterly clueless.

I got to the jail, where the sheriff's office was located, and went to the front desk. I told the officer at the front desk who I was and that a sheriff had been by my house and said that I needed to come up. He explained that the check I had bounced at the grocery store had never been paid and that the owner of the store had sent my name to them. And that is when they began the process of arresting me. Finger printing, having me hold the little card up while I got my mug shot, etc. I was in complete shock. Me, arrested? I was sent to the Principal's office once in high school, but only because the substitute that we had that day was so flustered by my obnoxious classmates that when he saw me studying for a test that I had next period, and not doing the worksheet that we were supposed to be doing, he immediately told me to go. (Let me tell you, everyone in the office was shocked to see me.)

I didn't end up in a jail cell or anything; they told me when the court date was and sent me home. I guess someone who bounces 12 dollar checks isn't considered a big flight risk. I asked the officer on duty what I should do and he said that I should immediately go and pay the fees that I owed and just explain what happened when I went to court. So I went home and payed the fees the next day. The court day came and it was a simple thing: I told the judge what happened, pled guilty, and said that the fines were paid and that was that. The situation was resolved and I had a shiny Class B Misdemeanor for Check Fraud on my record.

The whole thing infuriated me on many different levels: First, my ex-father-in-law either lied to me, or just made a mistake about the bounced check being taken care of. I will take the higher ground and think the latter, but whichever was the case, the result was the same--I got screwed. Second, why did the grocery store never contact me? I mean, the town I lived in was not a very large town. I doubt they would have had to hire Dog the Bounty Hunter to track me down. I could have paid that check, and any fees that were associated with it, over a hundred times in the months that passed between the bouncing and my court date if I had known about them.

In the grand scheme of life, this was a pretty minor thing. On the many job applications I have filled out over the years, it was just one more thing I had to write in. Let me tell you, I never thought that I would ever have to list my misdemeanor on any applications I filled out. I always wondered if there was something I could have done differently to prevent me from having a criminal record. Should I have contacted a lawyer from the moment I was "arrested"? Could I have gotten a plea bargain? Have I been watching too much Law & Order? Could I have it taken care of now? Does it ever go away like points on your license? If you are reading this and you are a lawyer, feel free to let me know my options. Just to let you know, I now have more than 12 dollars in my bank account. I also have a house, two cars and a baby (not to mention my three kids with my first wife), so my account balance isn't much more than 12 dollars. Also, if you are charging for your council, can I pay with a check?

On How I got the Beetus, Part 2: Halloween Candy

Well, Halloween is finally over in our house, just in time for Thanksgiving. I don't consider Halloween to be over until the last piece of candy is gone--that is, the last piece of the candy that I want to eat--both from the leftover "to hand out" candy and the plundering of my daughter's stash. I love candy! I wish I had the self-control to avoid it at this time of year, primarily because of my type 2 diabetes, but I am powerless to resist its siren call.

We never seem to get many trick-or-treaters at our house, despite the fact that our neighborhood is crawling with the little candy-sucking fiends. I think they stay away because we don't really have an outdoor light, but it might be because everyone just hates me--just kidding! (I hope!) I would say I find the lack of candy-seeking traffic frustrating, but to be honest with you, it just means I get to eat more candy at the end of the day. This is why I always buy candy that I like.

My daughter is one and a half years old so this Halloween was her first real trick-or-treating experience. We took her around with my other three kids last year (their mom actually let me take them out), but I didn't collect any candy for her, since she was so young. I am not the type of parent who totes his child from house to house, collecting candy that my kid cannot eat. Unless you are going to put the candy in a food processor, I don't see how a child under the age of one is going to eat it. I always want to keep a jar of baby food handy on Halloween just in case we get some parents knocking on our doors trying to pull this candy-grabbing scam. Candy denied! Go to the store and buy some candy for yourselves, you cheapskates! I can see taking your baby to friends' or relatives' houses so they can see the baby in costume, but that is about it. If the child can't hold the bag, they shouldn't be trick or treating!

I could also go on a rant about kids with facial hair trick-or-treating or how much I hate kids who don't even bother dressing up, but that subject has been covered by many, many people. I did not want to write this post about the act of trick-or-treating. If you want to hear an awesome bit of comedy about trick-or-treating, give a listen to Greg Behrendt's routine on the subject. It's off his Uncool show and if you look up Cry Baby Spider Man on YouTube (or buy the DVD--I don't mind promoting it), I am sure you will find it and laugh.

Let's get back to the candy! As anyone who knows me can tell you, I love chocolate. My favorite candy bar used to be Three Musketeers, but I have grown more into a Snickers/Baby Ruth kind of guy. I like my candy with a bit more substance! The candy bar companies,however, don't seem that interested in me getting the amount of candy that I desire. They do have king-sized candy, but Halloween is all about bite-sized and fun-sized portions. At least the term "bite-size" is an accurate description of the product. The "fun-size" is a lie. There is nothing fun about a candy bar that small. It would be more accurate to call it "candy-tease-size".

I am one of the least-fussy people around when it comes to candy (or any food, for that matter.) I will eat anything that is either wholly chocolate or coated in chocolate: Milky Ways, Reese's Peanut Putter Cups, M&M's, straight Hershey's Chocolate Bars, Kit Kats, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers, and Almond Joys all are happily eaten and greatly enjoyed. Caramel! Ooooh goodness, I love caramel. Milk Duds, Sugar Daddy's and Babies (whatever happened to the Sugar Mama's anyway?) Peanuts... PEANUTS! Pay Day, Peanut M&M's, etc. YUUUM! I think my blood sugar shot up 200 points just from typing that.

There are some chocolatey bars that I am not super fond of, and these are the last ones I eat when the pile of candy is running out. Thankfully for my taste buds, but unfortunately for my medical condition, this is a very small list. I am sorry to say that I am not the biggest Butterfinger fan. Bart Simpson can have them--well, unless there are no other candies left. Whoppers also sit in the bucket to the very end. Something about malt balls just doesn't do it for me. Speaking of Whoppers, or about malt balls in general, does anyone ever actually just pop them in their mouth and chew away? I always break the little ball in half once it's in my mouth, and then let my saliva dissolve the malty center out so that only the chocolate remains. And then I eat the chocolate of course.

I am also not the biggest fan of the non-chocolate stuff, but I will eat it in a pinch. Starbursts, Skittles, Gummi Bears, Dots all are good. Lollipops don't really do it for me, especially Dum Dums. It will have to be a candy crisis of Armageddon proportions to eat Dum Dums. Tootsie Pops, however, I will eat. A lot of licks go into it (the Owl lies!) but you do end up with a bit of chocolate in the end. Hard candy in general has no business in Halloween. I have to be in a certain mood to eat hard candy. Butterscotches, Jolly Ranchers, generic red, green and purple candies have their place--just not in my Halloween basket. Some people complain about Mary Janes; please send them to my house if you don't want them. They are cheap, but all right in my book. When exactly did this post turn into a list of my favorite and least-favorite candies?

Regardless of my preferences in candy, I am not supposed to have any of it. Before, I would consume mass quantities of candy without a second thought. Even in a non-Halloween situation, if I wanted a candy bar, I would buy it and eat it. Now, every bit of candy I eat is accompanied by guilt. Or maybe I should say, the feeling that I am slowly killing myself. I certainly want to be around for a long time and see all my kids grow up and have kids of their own. I also want to spend as much time on this earth with my wife that I missed so much time with. But, dammit, candy is sooo goooood.

Don't even talk to me about sugar-free candy. Sure, it tastes fine, but it is much more expensive. And, not to get too graphic, but it is not nearly as kind to me coming out as it is going in. It is my preferred stool softener, in fact. I can get a bag of the sugar-free turtles and have the whole bag gone in about 10 minutes. It is like a lot of diabetic-friendly foods: yes, they are "better" for you, but if you eat 5 times more than you should, it is just as bad as if you ate the non-sugar free stuff. (Well, I could eat a bag of the sugar stuff in about 5 minutes also, so I guess it is better in the long run.)

My blood sugar levels are still a little bit high but they have been getting better. I am on a couple of medicines now and have not gotten to the point where I need insulin (though I see it coming someday, I just hope I can hold it off as long as possible). My brother recently got diagnosed with diabetes as well and he went in and had stomach surgery (not sure which one) and now does not have it. I don't know if this is an option for me or not, but I would not want to do it. I love to eat and it seems I should have enough self control to eat better. For the most part I do, but during times like Halloween (and soon Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then Easter...), my self control slips.

I know this post seems to ramble a bit, but it is just an example of how much I love candy. It has the power to distract me as much as any attractive woman I have ever seen (except for my beautiful wife, of course... he says, lying unsuccessfully...). I have found that the best way for me to resist candy's temptation is to keep it as far from me as possible. If I don't have candy in the house, then I can't eat it. (This is the same strategy I use for all not-so-good-for-diabetics foods). When Halloween rolls around, it becomes impossible to keep candy out of the house. You have to buy candy to give to all the little costumed beggars that come to your home. Candy is everywhere in the stores weeks before the holiday, and it is on sale. Let's not forget the candy your child brings home. You need to check it and make sure there are no razor blades or anything in it, right?

Once candy has penetrated the home it takes over my mind. I know it is in the house. I know what kind there is and which ones I want to eat. I think about it--obsess over it. And then, of course, I begin to consume it. I start having the same ridiculous debate I always have with myself when a candy influx situation has developed: Should I eat all the candy in two days and have my blood sugar spike for those two days or do I eat it slowly and prolong the higher levels for a week or two? I should do some research and find out which would be better, but again, I am a lazy researcher. As long as I don't slip into a coma, the first option seems plausible (and preferred).

On How Barack Obama Ruined My Annual Halloween Cthulhu Adventure

First off, the president didn't ruin the adventure, per se, but as I explain it to you, maybe you will understand. For the last two Halloweens I have written a scenario for one of my favorite table top RPGs (role playing games), Call of Cthulhu. I have mentioned my love of RPGs before, and I will explain it very briefly for those that have no idea what I am talking about. Table top RPGs (Dungeons and Dragons is probably the most recognizable title.) involve people getting together and creating characters who have skills, attributes and abilities. Then these characters go through a scenario/story/adventure. You can usually get adventures from the companies that put the games out, find them online or you can write a story for the players to adventure in. One person is in charge of running the story. This person describes what happens to the characters and controls all the action. When it comes to figuring out whether a player succeeds at something with an element of chance, dice are used. Nowadays, computer games will do all this for you, which is part of the reason why table top RPGs are a bit of a niche hobby.

One of my favorite games is called Call of Cthulhu and is based upon the writings of the horror/sci fi/macabre master, H.P. Lovecraft. This is a great game to run at Halloween time because you can write some wonderful scary tales using this system and world. Last year I wrote a story set in the Old West and this year I decided to go to the opposite end of the spectrum and set it in Outer Space. I wrote the story, designed maps, designed encounters, created villains and made characters for everyone. We gathered together the Saturday before Halloween to play through my story and have a good time. (This was one of the reasons I was absent from blogging for the last 4 weeks or so, as any free time I had was spent working on this.)

My friends picked which characters they most wanted to play and we began the tale I had written. The players were all crew and passengers of a cargo ship that was travelling to a remote research facility in deep space. En route, they received a distress call from a large transport ship carrying colonists bound for a distant lunar colony. Apparently they were struck by meteors and the engines were destroyed. My one friend decided he was going play the security chief. (He was thinking of Jayne from Firefly -- I was thinking more Warf from Star Trek) The captain of the players' ship was not available for anyone to play, primarily so I could boss them around if I needed to.

They went aboard the transport ship and were greeted by a nice group of colonists who informed them that they were welcome on board but their religion prohibited anyone from bringing weapons onto their ship. At this point, my friend who was playing the security chief refused to leave his gun behind. The captain (played by me) tried to convince him it would be okay, but he refused. "I" suggested that he smuggle a gun aboard, but he insisted that this was not acceptable, and said that he felt they would be giving up their tactical advantage if they were unarmed. He decided that the group should go back onto their ship and wait. As soon as people started dying on the transport ship, then they would the security chief and the others on board with their guns. The captain then ordered him to go aboard the ship, without his weapons, and the security chief drew a gun on him. That told me that this was a battle I was not going to win, so I was forced to leave the security chief on the cargo ship, and my friend had nothing to do with the adventure for the rest of the night.

Let me tell you a little about my friend, first of all. He is very pro-NRA. How pro-NRA you may ask yourself? He actually brought an NRA magazine to one of our other gaming sessions with an article that had parts highlighted. He wanted to point out some interesting facts to another friend who was not 100% against gun control (neither am I). Also, my gun-loving friend hates Barack Obama. How much does he hate him, you may ask yourself? He has made several comments of how he would not lose a wink of sleep if someone John Wilkes Boothed the president. He is convinced that Barack has some secret agenda to ruin America, or put us under control of the U.N. (or both). The U.N. wants the U.S. to get rid of all of our guns. Therefore, Obama wants to get rid of all our guns. (Well, I have been told it is more Hillary than Barry, but why split hairs?) I did not think that someone would be so impassioned over an issue like gun control that they would actually bring it into a fantasy world that I created. He seemed to be fine with not taking any part in the story I had written, though he did sit at the table and look up anti-Obama stuff on his laptop while we played.

This whole exchange just got me thinking about the upcoming election. (Which will be today if I get this out when I want, or yesterday if it takes an extra day.) The thing that has struck me most about this 2012 election is the passion that both camps seem to be exhibiting. I am in no way saying that people shouldn't be emotional about this election, as there are some very personal issues at stake. It just seems that people are taking it to a level that I have never seen before.

I have a couple of theories about why things have gotten so bad: First is Facebook. During the last presidential election season I was not even on Facebook, and this year I see such vitriol flying back and forth from both camps it makes me sad. Many Mitt supporters (and non-Mitt supporters that are against Obama) seem to just haaaaate Obama. They make it out like it is going to be the end of life as we know it if he is re-elected, saying he is evil, a socialist and comparing him to Hitler. It is out of control. Those who are against Mitt are all about the corporations winning and the top 1% -- the further screwing of the middle class. (Whatever happened to the Occupy Wall Street movement? It seems to have been replaced by those terrible lower class people taking advantage of us middle classers. Just a thought...) All of this has been hard to avoid as people have been plastering Facebook with memes, and quotes, endless "facts" about who lied about what and when, etc. People have been unfriending each other over their political posts, blocking feeds and getting in arguments over this election. Is social media to blame? Is this a matter of people who were always very passionate about their politics having a very public forum to mount their soapboxes? I don't know.

Another theory I had was that it is not just social media but the actual media, whipping people up in a frenzy. Again, I am not trying to minimize anyone's feelings on the issues that they feel are important, but the news is constantly showing the worst of people's political behavior. There are, and will always be, people on the extreme of both sides of the political camps. Unfortunately these extremist viewpoints tend to get more media attention than the groups that are closer to the center (or more reasonable). The media seems to want emotions to be high, because that drives ratings. Or maybe it is a conspiracy to keep the two party system going. If you keep people so scared about one or the other candidate being elected then they will be too scared to waste their vote. Choosing a third party candidate would be considered wasting a vote. Could all this be an effort to keep the status quo? Far fetched? You decide! (Am I sounding all conspiracy theory?)

The sad thing is that it seems every year that I hear more and more people say that they are unhappy with both candidates. To quote Abe Lincoln from the Obama vs. Romney Epic Rap Battle of History, "Why do we have to choose between the shiniest of two turds?" What choice do we have? How do we change things? Where do we start? If anyone has the answers, please share it with America. The only thing I can suggest is to start locally. Take an interest in your town or county elections. Maybe the locally-elected official of today could end up in Washington tomorrow. Maybe it will be someone who you know, trust and actually believe in. But then again, maybe they will just get caught up in the corruption that seems to be prevalent in our nation's capital. Is that being a bit cynical? Maybe, maybe not.

Once again I am drifting far off the target that I was aiming for. Then again, I really don't remember what I was trying to say in the first place. I guess that I just hate election season. Now that it is almost over, I can look forward to being able to watch real TV again, getting a lot less phone calls each night, and viewing Facebook without all the hate.

And if you are wondering who I am voting for, well, I am not voting (as of the time of this writing). I actually sent in the paperwork to register, but unfortunately it was on the day of the deadline, so I haven't received my card yet. There is a chance it will arrive tomorrow, but I am not counting on it. If I was going to vote, I was leaning toward Obama. I'll admit it. In terms of economy, I don't think it really matters who gets elected. I believe they both have about the same chance of pulling us out of the hole both parties sank us into. Mitt has said that he is against gay marriage and that affects several of my close friends directly, which is the reason I am leaning toward Obama. To me, that says a lot about his character, and that does mean something to me. I wasn't going to vote for Mitt, but if he does win, there is no guarantee that he will implement the things he says he will (or even be able to). Politicians tend to lie and pander to their voters and basically say whatever will get them the most votes. That is why so many candidates are accused of flip-flopping, as their true agendas come out once in office.

Who knows what will happen after the election? But if you need someone to vote for (that isn't Mitt or Obama), how about Peace and Freedom Candidate, Roseanne Barr? First of all, who couldn't use a little peace and freedom? Second, Roseanne's party wishes to legalize marijuana. I have never imbibed, but feel that it should be legal. Lastly, and most importantly, maybe she could get us all a deal on macadamia nuts!

On Sick Children

I am writing this post after briefly getting caught up on another project, which I will write a mini blog post about immediately after I finish this one up. I missed a couple of posts and have to talk about one of the reasons I missed the first week's post. My daughter came down with a case of Croup and it was very scary, especially since it was my first run-in with this particular virus. All I know was that my daughter started making this horrible sound every time she cried. It was a bark like a seal and scared the hell out of me (and my wife too - I shouldn't leave her out this.)

As disturbing as it was, we did not panic. From everything we have heard and read (and by we, I mean my wife did the reading, and then shared the info with me) in various child development books we suspected that it might be Croup. My wife looked it up online and my daughter had all of the symptoms. The site even had audio clips of various coughs and we got to listen. I wonder if we could select a horrible cough Pandora channel. Technology is an amazing thing!

The Croup cough we listened to on the Internet sounded exactly like what my daughter had. We looked at how to proceed and it said that there was nothing the doctors could do, so we decided to hold off. The website told us what to look for if things were taking a turn for the worse. I know one should not play doctor with you children (and not with adults either, unless it is fun doctor!) but we were very comfortable with our decision. Well, comfortable may be the wrong word, as we ended up having her sleep with us that night and as a result got very little sleep ourselves.

We had done everything the computer said: taking her out in the cold air, and bringing her into a steamy bathroom. It all worked. The cough went away the next day and the next night we had her sleep in her own room. We brought her in to sleep with us for a little bit, but after she repeatedly kicked and punched my wife in the throat in her sleep, we brought her back to her own bed. She started getting better and the cough went away, and we thought she was getting better. Then, she started getting a nasty cold. It sounded like she had a bad chest cold and we started to get concerned.

We decided to take her to the doctor's office to see what the pediatrician thought. The doctor looked her over and said.... everything was fine. This was a normal case of Croup. The cough and the bad cold that followed, were all part of the illness. My daughter did have the start of an ear infection but other than that, she was fine. The doctor gave us a prescription of amoxicillin, just in case the infection got worse and that was that.

I don't know if anyone reading this was waiting for me to come out with something horrible, like she had tuberculosis, pneumonia or one of the million other horrible diseases/illnesses that a child can contract, but she didn't. This has to be one of the hardest parts of being a parent - dealing with a sick child. It's not just dealing with the illness that is the hard thing, but also the constant fear that something terrible is going to happen to your child, or their health.

This fear begins the moment you become a parent. It seems to be more prevalent with new parents, but after having three children with my first wife (though all three were adopted, only the last one being a baby when we got him), I can assure you it never truly goes away. I had a ritual that I always referred to as the Death Check, with my infants. I cannot tell you how many times I looked in on my daughter when she was sleeping and thought she was dead. Babies can be soooo still when they sleep. I would walk up to the crib and scrutinize her chest to see if it was moving or, on a few occasions, nudged her to make sure she was still alive. I would like to say you become more relaxed when you get to the next child but I don't feel there was any real change, except for maybe the frequency of the Death Checks. I wonder if I got up to the Duggar level of children if I would even bother checking. (Well, at that level I would just send one of the other kids to periodically poke the baby.)

Nothing makes you feel more powerless as a parent than when your child is sick, especially when they are still a baby or a young toddler. Really, any child that is unable to tell you what is wrong, is like parental kryptonite. You can see they are in pain or uncomfortable but they can't tell you the source of their discomfort. Without knowing what is wrong, it is hard to figure out how to treat them. But then again, there is not a lot of medicine a child under 2 can take. All you can do is give them some Tylenol, keep them comfortable and if they get a bad fever or you can't get them to stop crying, take them to the hospital. Well, another thing you can do is worry, and that you do aplenty.

Children also become very clingy when they don't feel good. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, but it is hard to get things done around the house when you are holding on to a toddler. It warms your heart to know that your child just wants their mom or dad to make them feel better when they don't feel good, but it is really a challenge. You better have a book or the remote handy, because you have that cute little person stuck to you like a barnacle on the hull of a ship. God forbid you should try to put them down. Their little eyes fill with tears and they cry/scream and hold those itsy bitsy hands up to you to pick them up. Some kids even get their little hands opening and closing to make you feel even worse about putting them down in the first place. Though it is necessary at times to put your child down. I have gone to the bathroom holding my child, but it is awkward.

For some reason, most sick children don't like to eat and drink. (I have a little trouble believing that I ever had trouble eating - sick or not - as a child.) This just adds to your worry because you know that your child must eat and drink. The food helps them get better and the drink is crucial, especially when they have a fever. Dehydration is a very big concern, as any doctor will tell you. So you end up giving your child anything that they will eat or drink. You dish out Jello, pudding, freeze pops, yogurt, and junk food of all variety - whatever they will eat or drink. Food that you probably would hesitate to give them when they were well, you will happily cram down their throat just to get them to eat something. The same thing goes with liquids: chocolate milk, any kind of juice, Gatorade, whatever. I have, out of necessity on several occasions, used a medicine shooter to get the baby to drink. As a parent you do what you have to do.

And speaking of medicine shooters, how about medicine?! Giving your child medicine is so much fun. They usually are sooooo willing to receive the pink goo (well actually some kids seem to tolerate it it better than others). I feel like I am some sort of torturer when it is time to give my daughter her medicine. We practically have to restrain her and shoot it in bursts so she doesn't use her tongue to push it out. My daughter has VUR, which to sum up in three words or less means that some of her urine goes the wrong way and back into her kidneys (okay, that was more than three words, but you get the point). She gets a daily preventative antibiotic which she has been receiving since she was first diagnosed (mere days after getting her home from the hospital). Every night, for her entire life she has been getting this medicine, and every night, without fail, it is a fight. I feel like she feels that the fight is part of the process because after she gets the first little bit in her mouth she seems fine. I'm not saying she loves the taste of it, but she doesn't resist after the first shot is in there. Well that was up until about a week ago. Now she has found that she can spit out the medicine and does it every night. Boy I hope she stops this soon. Editor's note: we had the pharmacist add cotton candy flavoring to the new bottle of medicine we picked up yesterday. As gross as cotton candy-flavored medicine sounds to me, our daughter is now taking her medicine without too much of a fight.

Of course I blame daycare for all of her sicknesses (just kidding, but, not really...) That may be a little unfair, but it is just one of those things. Neither my wife nor I want her to go to daycare, but seeming neither of us have super high-paying jobs, it is a necessity. Don't get me wrong, the people at the daycare are wonderful and we love them dearly, but let's face it, any place where children are grouped together is a giant germ factory. Kids are not good at covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze. They do not go around at school using anti-bacterial hand lotion and such. To be fair, most adults aren't that great at stopping the spread of germs either, and I am sure I have brought some home from work with me. But the people at work probably got the germs from their kids, who got them from school or daycare. So yes, it is all daycare/school's fault for all illness in the world.

No matter whose fault it is or the source of the germs, it is never any fun when a child is sick - not only for the child but for the parents too. There is little chance of keeping your child (or yourself) germ-free, unless of course, you want to have a bubble boy or girl or if you are lucky enough to give birth to the child with the never get sick mutation. So eventually every parent will have to deal with a sick child. As tempting as it would be to spike their bottle or cup with benadryl, you have to tough it out, just like the child. But if someone can come up with a portable bubble suit, like in the movie Bubble Boy (starring Jake Gylenhal) let me know how much you want for it. I might be willing to give it a shot. And as a bit of payback, when your children get older, make sure you get your kids to take care of you when you get sick. Really play it up to, so the kids will get a slice of what you went through when they were young. The circle of sickness!