On My Cat and Technology

Let me start this by telling you a little about my cat. His name is Dipsy Russell and he is a Tabby. He was one of many kittens that were wandering around the yard of the house me and my ex-wife were renting several years ago. Over the brief time that we lived there, there were a bunch of different cats and kittens that hung around the house. I always attributed this to the barns that were nearby, and the fact that I would throw food scraps out to them. (What can I say? I am a big softy.)

At first his name was Tigress as my older daughter was/is obsessed with the Kung Fu Panda movies. We didn't realize he was a boy for some time later (I did not spend much time inspecting his undercarriage, if you know what I mean.) and when we discovered it, his name had to be changed. There was a Tabby that came before Dipsy that was with us very briefly and may even have been a sibling. The first cat - we called it Trouble - would run up to the car whenever we got home, start purring and demanding our love and attention. It would even follow us into the house if we let it, or if we left the door open too long. We were forced to chase it out several times. I began to think someone just dropped off their house cat.

Well, one day this first cat stopped coming around. I thought this was odd and as more days passed I began to fear something was wrong. Sure enough, I decided to give the area a little search and I saw a little pile of fur in the ditch by the side of the road. I knew it was the cat before I even got close. I buried it, told the kids that it must have just found another home and left it at that. I don't know if the older two believed me, but I didn't have the heart tell them the truth.

The cat that would become Dipsy was not quite as friendly or as bold as that first cat but he was close and soon became a friend of the family. Our landlord did not allow pets, which is why we didn't officially make him part of the family. The kids named him Tigress and we snuck him into the house a few times. When I decided that I had enough of being unhappily married after 15 years, and got the strength to leave, I kept the cat when I moved out and found my first apartment. In fact, I specifically picked an apartment that accepted cats, so I could keep him. I guess the thought of being alone in my apartment was not something I was looking forward to. By then, I realized he was a boy and the name Tigress just didn't fit. Far be it from me to force gender roles on a cat, but I just couldn't keep up the illusion. I did not want to call him Tiger, as that name had been done to death with Tabbies, but started referring to him by the way he behaved: Dip Shit.

It was a bit of an adjustment for him, getting used to being an indoor cat against his will. After the first cat died I refused to let Dipsy be an outdoor cat anymore. Despite the house arrest, we got along great. I would share my food with him, and let him jump right up on the table to eat with me. (Which my wife doesn't seem to appreciate, as the cat still jumps up on the table regularly looking for a snack.) I would play rough with him and get him all riled up and then he would chase me around the house trying to wrap his legs around one of mine to bring me down. He obviously knew nothing about basic weight to size ratios because there was no way he was taking me out, but I'll give the guy an A for effort. Soon a friend told me that I could not keep the name Dip Shit (Why not? To me, it would have been the same as if I called him Cat.) so I twisted this into Dipsy. Now being me, I could not just call him Dipsy, I had to put a little spin on it.

One of the first things I did when I split with my wife was to call an old college friend I had not talked to in 7 years. The reason we hadn't spoken for so long was the fact that my ex had become convinced that there was some shenanigans going on between us (this friend was of the female variety, in case you hadn't figured it out). I had told my ex that I had a crush on this person in college (maybe that was my big mistake) but nothing ever happened between us and we were just really good friends. Besides, she lived in Seattle so I would have to be pretty skilled at deception to pull that affair off (especially with the tight leash my ex kept me on.) I gave her my password and let her read our emails but she was still convinced there was something going on between us. We actually ended up going to marriage counseling over this woman. There is more to this story, I did some stupid things, and eventually I ended up promising not to talk to her again. (Of course, that agreement was gone as soon as we split.) Apparently my ex saw something we didn't because after I called my friend we ended up dating (very long distance), getting married, she moved to NY to be with me and then we had a child.

One of the first things I remember about first meeting my wife (the new one) was the fact that she killed a joke that I liked to make. It wasn't much of a joke but it went along the lines of me saying that I thought the only thing Nipsey Russell ever starred in was the 10,000 Dollar Pyramid. I caught these stars in the autumn of their careers. All the actors that showed up on the game shows I watched as a kid were from shows that weren't on the air anymore. I guess it would be like the way some reality shows and game shows work today. Those waning celebrities who want to stay in the public eye and cling to any bit of fame can whore themselves out wherever they can. (Just ask David Hasselhoff.) In response to my "joke" about Nipsey Russell, my future wife fired back with Car 54 Where are You? (She was a big fan of Nick at Nite she explained later). Well that ruined my joke, and instantly gained my respect for her, as a fellow TV connoisseur. And that is why I decided to give my cat the name Dipsy Russell.

Well now that I have told you about the cat, let me tell you one more thing before I get to the actual story. Our living room and dining room are basically one long extended area, separated by two little half walls that stick out maybe about two feet. These half walls have pillars on them giving it a Greek feel. Now that my daughter is becoming more mobile we bought a super sized gate with a little door in it to separate the two rooms. The living room was baby proofed so she was content to crawl around in there. The cat, however, had no easy access to the room. He would therefore jump up on the little half wall, between the pillar and the actual wall and walk onto the couch.

I know you probably cannot handle one more lead-in story, but here it is anyway. A couple of years ago my wife bought a nice laptop with her tax return. She actually thought of me when she got it, making sure it could handle the latest version of the World of Warcraft. We had it over a year when the plug/brick stopped working. We bought a generic charger from Best Buy which had multiple fittings to accommodate many different brands of computers. It never fit quite right, but we used it anyway. Well a few months later our battery died. The battery would not accept the charge, so we were forced to have the laptop plugged in whenever we used it. (WoW had to played!) We eventually bought a new battery and life was good again. (I could bring the laptop with me onto the toilet once again!)

Well one day recently, the battery started to do the same thing it did before. Ooooh great. Another 50-70 dollars down the drain for a new battery. More importantly, however, was the fact that this meant something was wrong with the computer. Why are the batteries dying? They should last longer than a few months. Until we got the money to take it to the Geek Squad to get it looked at, it was back to plugging it in.

One day I was using the computer, WoWing or blogging, can't remember which (or maybe obsessively checking Blogger stats to see how many people were viewing my blog) when I had to get up for something. I set the computer on the arm of the couch and went into the kitchen. If you have been paying attention, you may see what is coming.

Crash! Yep, the noise of falling technology and hundreds of dollars in repairs came from the living room. Dip Shit had knocked the laptop off of the arm of the couch.  Aaargh! Stupid cat! Wait, maybe it should have been stupid human! Who was the real Dip Shit? I left the laptop right where he usually entered the living room, on a surface that wasn't even flat. It was balanced precariously and I just assumed it would be all right there for a few minutes. We all know what happens when you assume!(You end up buying a new laptop in this scenario.)

Well I fired up the computer, not very optimistic about the outcome. Much to my surprise, it fired right up. From the noise it made when it fell, I was sure we were going to have to buy a new laptop. Not only did it fire right up, but the battery was actually working again! The cat just fixed our computer! Wow! I can't even imagine how much money he saved us. Instead of having to buy a new battery or paying for a professional to look at the computer and make the necessary repairs, we ended up paying for a can of moist cat food to thank him. And to show you how cheap I am, I got him a generic beef flavored can. Not even Fancy Feast or some other more expensive brand.

Now I am in no way saying that you should bring your computers over to my house to have Dipsy look at them. Nor am I suggesting that you should let your animals try and repair your electronic equipment. But, if my laptop or any other electronic device starts acting up again, I will seriously consider leaving it up on the arm of the couch and seeing what happens. What can it hurt?