On Auto Fill-in-the-Blank

Well, once again, I thought I'd take the plunge, and go back to the toilet humor (plunge... a pun.... hahaha I am soooo witty.) Today I thought I would talk about the way automatic appliances/fixtures have taken over my bathroom at work.

The building where I work is brand new. Well, brand new when we moved into it 3-4 years ago (I honestly can't remember when it was). That means all of the appliances/fixtures in the restrooms are also brand new and state of the art. We have auto flush toilets, auto faucets and auto paper towel dispensers. They must have run out of money on all the other stuff because they skimped on the auto soap dispensers.
Now I am of mixed minds about the whole auto fill-in-the-blank technology in the rest room. I am sure it is designed to do two things: one is to prevent waste and the other is to help prevent the spread of germs. I would like to say I cared about our company saving money, but I have a strong feeling that even if they did, the savings would not be passed down to us employees. We will never get an e-mail saying that we are getting a 5% raise because we used less water for the year. And when it comes to germs, I am not afraid of them, bring 'em on! If someone comes on the news and says that the Bubonic Plague is going around and that people are contracting it from toilet handles, maybe I would be more excited that I did not have to handle anything on the toilet (well, there are some things I will always have to handle, but I will leave it at that). I believe that we need to be exposed to as many germs as possible in order to strengthen our immunities.  Besides, until they put automatic doors on the restrooms, aren't all the precautions we are taking to avoid germs cancelled out after we use the handles to leave?

Let me analyze each of the items that we have in the restroom at work.

First there is the auto flush toilet. Now, for the sake of laziness, there is no finer device. We come in, we sit down, we take care of business and it's off to wash up (obviously there are more steps, but I am trying to keep it simple). No more turning around and pulling that pesky lever. I wonder if the person who invented the toilet (I actually looked this up real quick on Wikipedia and they said it was really not one person but gave a list of contributors dating back to 31 BC. See, my blog just became educational! Maybe I can get a grant!) ever dreamed of a day when the toilets would flush themselves. I would totally rip into this more saying how pathetic it is that someone actually felt it was necessary to make us exert even less energy on the toilet (though I must confess I have had a few exhausting struggles on the can, so that saved energy can be useful on occasion) and then I remembered kids.

Not nice, well behaved children, but the evil, destructive little bastards who shove a whole roll of toilet paper down the toilet and flush it until it overflows. This happens more commonly in big stores and the occasional fast food restaurant. I am sure auto flush helps reduce this activity a little bit as the button is much less convenient to press than yanking that lever over and over again. Also, in the past I have gone to drop the kids off at the pool and found that the pool was already in use by someone else's kids. Another positive for the auto flush. As a rule, I'm not a big fan of seeing other people's waste products. Though I do have a nice picture from a friend of mine who photographed her poop when it came out in the shape of a smiley face, but that is a rare exception, and one hell of a way to start the day!

But the auto flush toilet is also a bit of a pain for me. First of all, there are the false alarm flushes. That is when the toilet just randomly flushes while you're sitting on it. I used to have a light grey t-shirt that I would wear to work, and whenever I was on the throne it always seemed to set the toilet to flushing when I moved. Maybe because the walls were silver? I'm not sure. I also wonder if I am the only one who feels like I am going to get sucked in like some cartoon character when it flushes and I am on it? Me, slowly spinning round and round before being sucked down the drain with a popping sound. And let us not forget the fact that sometimes there is a little splash of water as it goes down the drain and that water is not always very "clean." I find this very disconcerting.

The little button is also not as easy to reach for the cover flush. I don't know about you, but I get a little embarrassed when I am having some "issues" and it sounds like I am strangling a seal in my stall. (Maybe strangling a seal is the wrong phrase, it sounds more like a euphemism for masturbation.) If I am having some "issues" and there are other people about, I will often push the button and launch the first sortie of my fecal assault in unison. (Sometimes I can use someone else's flush to disguise my sounds, and save me having to flush, but the conditions and timing have to be perfect.) I have also been known to give a mid-deed flush when the level of smell gets to the point where even I am offended. It usually helps a little, at least that is what I say to myself. But really only a can of Lysol (or some napalm) can eliminate the odor.

And on a side note, does anyone actually use the paper toilet seat covers? And are you supposed to flush them when you are done? I have stared at the box and can see no posted directions. I always thought that, if ever there came a time when there was no TP to be found, I could wipe with one of these. So far, it has never happened, but I think of it as my little parachute! (Actually my wife just informed that she does use them. Maybe I'm the weirdo?)


My biggest complaint with the auto toilet is its non-flushing fake out that I always seem to fall for. It is that moment where I finish, pull everything back up to its appropriate place and head out to the sinks. I stop because the toilet did not flush, and I think that something has gone wrong. I am going to have to go back and manually flush it. Then, as I turn around and make my first step to do this, it flushes in a rather mocking tone. Aaargh! Auto flush toilet, you task me! Or have you ever gone to the bathroom, got up and headed to the sink and then realized that the toilet wasn't actually an auto flush toilet? Then comes the walk of shame back to pull the lever (at least you get to say one last farewell to your post digested friends.)

Next we have the auto faucet, and I really don't have a lot to say about these. They do make me feel a bit like a surgeon scrubbing up for a big operation. I often hold my arms up, covered in soap waiting for someone to glove me. (Wait, that could be taken the wrong way.) The thing I get the most frustrated with is when they can't seem to register your hands as you wave them frantically under the sensor to make the water come out. You start to wonder if is it broken? Is there something wrong with my hands? Does this faucet hate me? Then, just when you give up and are pulling your hand away it kicks on. For a second, and then kicks right off and you repeat the process.

The thing I hate most about the auto faucets, and this is similar to what I said about the toilets, only I have done it a hundred times more with the sink, is this. When I put my hand under the faucet and wait, and wait, and no water comes out. I wave my hand and still nothing. I start thinking very unfriendly thoughts about this sink and get very annoyed by yet more failed technology. Then I realize that it is not an auto-faucet. Then I feel like an idiot.


Next, in logical order, is the auto towel dispenser. This is the item that I dislike the most in the bathroom, primarily because it is the thing that seems to give me the most trouble. You wave your hands in front of it and nothing happens. You wave again, Nothing happens. You wave a third time, then hit the sensor and if you're lucky, it spits out a couple of inches of paper. The thing jams more often than the printers we use out on the floor. The difference being that the printers have little doors that you can open to unjam the paper. In the towel dispenser you are forced to try to stick your fingers into that tiny space where the jagged metal strip (the one you use to tear the paper) is. You try to catch a bit of paper with enough of your finger tips to be able to pull some out or get it back on track. I have been tempted on many occasions to just go all incredible hulk on the thing and rip it from the wall. But then I remember, I can just do what I always do and just wipe the left over water on my pants/shirt.

In general, technology is here to make our lives easier and help some people save money. Whether this is true of all the contraptions we have in the bathroom, I cannot say. They certainly free me up to devote more of my time to thinking of these strange ramblings and not having to worry about... oh I can't even finish the sentence. The mere seconds these devices save me, seems hardly worth it to me. Therefore the company must be saving money. Yay for them! (I am looking for the font Sarcasm Times Bold, but failing.) In fact, I feel like I have lost control of something that should be as inalienable as my right to bear arms and to free speech. I should feel empowered when I step into the bathroom, but now I feel emasculated. OK, that may be an exaggeration. In general it has made life a little bit easier, and you have to admit the germophobes have got to be happy!

But where do we go from here? I say seats that shoot jets of air and let us hover an inch above the seat. That way we don't have to touch the seats at all. How about auto wipe technology? (Actually, Europe already has these, they are called the bidets.)What ever it is, someone is out there working on it and our kids will look at us like we are from mars when we say, "When we were young we had to actually go in, sit down, go to the bathroom, wipe, flush, pump a soap dispenser, turn a faucet knob, rub our hands together to lather them up, rinse our hands, turn a knob to get some paper, dry are hands, throw the towel in the garbage and push open the door when we were done." Wow, when you type it out, it does sound exhausting!