On Terror, Terrorism and Why I Stopped Wearing Underpants

I wanted to write something about what happened at this year's Boston Marathon. Since I usually avoid writing about current events or anything too serious, I figured I would balance the seriousness of the subject matter with an explanation of why I gave up wearing underwear all those years ago.

I was not watching the Boston Marathon, as I am 100% opposed to running, so I did not see things happen live. (I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I only run if someone is chasing me, and I am happy with that.) My wife had come downstairs (she works upstairs in our home) and told me that something had happened at the Marathon and it might have been a terrorist attack. Bombs went off near the finish line and two people had been killed.

I waited a bit before I switched the TV over to see what was happening. Gabby and I were in the middle of a Barney view-fest and God knows, I would hate to interrupt the 138th viewing of Barney's Animal Alphabet Matching Game. Besides, did I really want Gabby (who is 2) to see all the stuff that was sure to be unfolding on the television? Sadly, I have to confess, Gabby was more of an excuse than anything else. It was really me who didn't want to see what was happening. There were two reasons I didn't want to watch: first was the strong feelings that were already starting to hit me because of this potentially being an act of terrorism, and the second reason was that I knew I would just get mad at the network TV coverage.

When I eventually switched over to see what had happened, it brought me right back to September 11th, 2001. I can remember very clearly (as I am sure most people who experienced it can) the day that the Twin Towers came down. I was not working that day, for whatever reason, and came out of the bedroom and turned the TV on. I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing. On the screen were the Twin Towers, smoke pouring out of one. Then suddenly the cameras started tracking a plane and it flew right into the second tower. Once I realized what was happening, I felt this tremendous surge of emotion.

I don't know if I cried or not, but the pain in my chest... well, pain is not the right word. I don't even know if I even know what the right words are. The closest that I can come to describing it is to take how I feel when I get really angry/frustrated (which usually results in tears) and add the sorrow I felt when I got the news that my father had passed away (which definitely left me crying) and smush the two feelings together. As I watched the coverage of the towers throughout the day, these feelings would ebb and flow inside me. When I saw what was done in Boston, those feelings came right back to the surface.

Maybe it is because I am the farthest thing from being an extremist in any way, but I cannot fathom what could bring a person to the point where they could murder innocent people to express their ideology, or disenfranchisement with something. I can't understand it and I never will. I know that the USA is not the wonderful, benevolent and innocent country that so many people who live here seem to think it is. Over the years our country has done plenty of questionable, if not down right "evil" things, both overtly and covertly. We, however, are not the only country guilty of  this. There are few countries out there that have a spotless history, and many are guilty of a lot worse things than we have ever dreamed of (I'm looking at you Josef and Adolph.) To think that it is justifiable to perform acts of terror is inexcusable.

And speaking of inexcusable, we need to do something, as a people, about the media in this country. It is getting out of control. I am just about to the point where I want the government to control the media. I pine to have the freedom of speech taken away from this country, because some people just won't shut the F__k up! 24 hour news channels are ruining this country. Maybe that is a bit extreme, but seriously, has any good come from this phenomenon? Every tragedy that befalls our country is blasted with non-stop coverage: interviews with neighbors, cousins, digging up any little bit of info, trying to beat out the other channels. The networks want to evoke emotional reactions in their viewers and pull out everything they can to manipulate them. I'm not even going to get into the fact that news channels seem to be more and more biased these days and appear to take advantage of events like this to promote what ever political viewpoint that they are championing. I think they all need to go away.

The best thing I saw, that seemed to sum up everything I am feeling toward the media, is a little cartoon with a guy sitting in a chair watching the news. The news reporter says "What can we do to lessen the grip of fear from terrorism?" and the guy turns off the TV. Brilliant.

If network TV isn't bad enough, then let's talk about social media... I'm talking about you, Facebook. Boy, my feelings on what showed up on there during this whole Boston Marathon business run the entire range from pride to utter disgust. Memes are often funny, but sometimes loathsome. I saw outpourings of support and kindness, I saw people taking advantage of the situation by posting erroneous or outright false images and I saw the usual political battles being waged again and again, shamefully using this tragedy to make their points.

Yes, they were Muslims, despite the fact that many thought that they were domestic terrorists. What is the big deal? I thought they were domestic terrorists as well, and I didn't watch any of the coverage, so was not influenced by any media source. I've seen several memes pointing out that they were both Muslims. Does this make it worse? I saw one that said they received welfare and financial aid. Again, does it matter? These people people were willing to plant bombs and kill innocent people -- is this the time to point out that we have a system that is easy to take advantage of? I am getting to the point where I am about to take some computer programming classes so that I can learn to write a program that will filter out and delete any meme that is not funny... or has Grumpy cat on it... I'm getting tired of Grumpy Cat.

In conclusion, my heart goes out to all those who were affected by this horrible attack. I, like most of us, were glad to see that they got the two responsible. I don't even care that the one was killed. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I am glad they caught one alive, though. I think it will help answer questions that may have been left if he wasn't (like, if there were more people involved). With the capture of the assailants, let us hope we can put this tragic event behind us, and allow those who were affected directly to recover.

Now that I have had my say, as promised, here is a brief (pardon the pun) explanation of why I don't wear underwear anymore: I am not sure if I have mentioned it before (this would be a great opportunity to read through all my blog posts and check) but at some point late in my high school career I decided that underwear was not for me. How I came to this decision, I cannot remember. I always have said jokingly that I thought this would help my chances of having crazy porn sex (since the "actors" in the adult film industry never seemed to wear underwear). I did not really believe this, as many years of "going commando" did not seem to help me have any sex, forget crazy porn sex.

I do remember ending up with several pairs of jockey shorts one year and wearing them quite happily, until we had gym class. The underwear actually hung down past the bottom of my shorts. I was so self conscious that I found my self constantly adjusting them as we were engaged in whatever the sport du jour was. Unfortunately it did not escape the eyes of the gym teacher who liked to "pick" on kids (not to an excessive level) and he started teasing me about my wardrobe malfunction. I refused to wear my jockey shorts again after that.

I also remember preferring to let the old twig and berries bounce free instead of wearing a jock strap when I played sports. I found jock straps uncomfortable and knew there would be no thong wearing in my future. Not that the jock strap went up my crack or anything, but I didn't like the feel of the straps on my butt.

The exact reason for my non-underwear decision will probably always be a mystery. But then again, I don't understand why I do a lot of the things that I do. What I do know, is that "going commando" has saved me hundreds of dollars over the years, from buying new pairs, to all of the laundry related expenses I have incurred. Despite a few occasions where I was wearing short shorts (not male Daisy Dukes, or LT. Jim Dangle from Reno 911 short shorts, just regular short shorts) and I had an escapee, free balling has served me well. Though I must confess, I do have a few pairs of underwear in my drawer, primarily for doctor visits. I feel uncomfortable when the doctor says to strip down to my underwear and they come in and I am fully nude.

I don't think that I will ever go back to wearing underwear. When I do, it feels weird and uncomfortable. It gets so hot and sweaty down there -- how do you people stand it? And if anyone feels like performing an act of terrorism, just pull my shorts down in a public place. That image will terrorize people for years to come.

On Seperating the Man from the Muppet

With all the stuff in the news lately about Kevin Clash, I've been thinking about one of the things I hate about our media: sensationalism. I bet there are a more than a few people out there who are saying, "who is Kevin Clash?" That is a problem. The fact is, this sex scandal should be about the guilt or innocence of a man named Kevin Clash, yet when I Googled it (Yes, I actually did a little research on this one! What can I say? I'm growing as a writer.) what I saw most--in headlines--was ELMO SEX SCANDAL.

Seriously, Elmo was involved in a sex scandal? I thought he was a puppet, so how could he be involved in a sex scandal? He isn't even alive, and his character is under the age of 5. How can a preschool-aged puppet be involved in a sex scandal? And who was it with? If it was Zoe, I would view it as a little bit inappropriate for their ages, but hey, who hasn't played a little doctor when they were kids? (Well, besides me of course.) Prairie Dawn is a little bit older, so maybe that would be scandalous on the playground, but certainly not a headline-grabbing scandal. How about Gordon? Maria? That new Chris guy seems really nice, but you never know.

Could the scandal have been a scripted plot on Sesame Street? If it was scripted, boy are the writers getting edgy on the Street! I thought the True Blood parody they did was on the edge (and quite funny), but a sex scandal? Wow! Or maybe it was a very special episode of Sesame Street, in the vein of the old after-school specials I would watch when I was a kid. Well, then again, they have had very special episodes of sitcoms dealing with stuff like this (The Different Strokes episode when they go to the bicycle shop comes to mind.), but I have to ask, what is next? Drugs on the Street? Maybe drug dealers come to Abby's Flying Fairy School and start getting the kids to try "Pixie Dust." Next thing you know Abby gets arrested for selling her body to get money for drugs. I can see the headlines now: ABBY CADABBY IN PROSTITUTION SCANDAL. I can even see her picture (mug shot) looking a lot like Lindsay Lohan (not Freaky Friday Lindsay, but mid train wreck Lindsay).

I am getting a bit ridiculous here, but that is how ridiulous the media gets. I am not diminishing what happened, if the allegations are true. It seems that Mr. Clash has really brought the character of Elmo to life and after I watched his 2011 documentary Being Elmo it seems he has done a lot of good with the character. That does not excuse his behavior, however. An adult should know better. Even if the younger person is willing--and let's face it, a lot of 15 and16 year-olds think they are old enough to make these decisions--it is always the responsibility of the "adult" to say no.

When a child is in their mid-teenage years, they are just starting to learn about their sexuality. They are starting to devlop (in more ways than one) the skills they will use to take advantage of the opposite sex for years to come. I'm just kidding, but these are very formative years, sexually. I spent most of these years of my life with my nose buried in books and watching movies, which explains why I love porn so much, again, just kidding (winks). But seriously, I think this developmental stage is why you find teachers having inappropriate relationships in schools. When a young woman (or young man) is becoming aware of the opposite sex and the hormones start stirring, I can see where a teacher could catch this person's attention. Here is an older, mature, intelligent, adult who you see everyday. When you approach them they give you their attention and don't treat you like a child. They encourage you and make you feel good about yourself. (Well, some teachers, not all.) It would be easy to see where teacher crushes develop. It is the teacher's job to recognize and discourage these feelings, but some adults, when they aren't in a happy relationship, or just lonely, may not use their best judgement, and develop feelings in return. Then you get the TEACHER-STUDENT SEX SCANDAL.

Whether or not Mr. Clash did something wrong or inappropriate remains to be seen, but why drag poor Elmo in this? He did nothing. I understand that Clash has been the puppeteer and voice of Elmo for a long time but they are still two seperate entities. Elmo will go on. Do you really think that the worldwide marketing jugernaut that Elmo is could be stopped? Did Kermit the Frog die (and a dozen other characters) when Jim Henson passed? Yet I have seen articles saying ridiculous stuff like this. WILL ELMO SURVIVE THIS SEX SCANDAL? It is just the media trying to sensationalize the news once again.

The same thing happened many years to a guy named Paul Reubens. If the media was responsible and the headlines merely said something like ACTOR PAUL REUBENS ARRESTED FOR MASTURBATING IN PUBLIC, maybe Mr. Reubens would have done some more projects as his most memorable character Pee Wee Herman. But when the media feeding frenzy plasters PEE WEE ARRESTED FOR MASTURBATING IN PUBLIC, it is hard to find work as a beloved childrens character. (The headlines probably said indescent exposure, or public lewdness, but it all means the same thing.) People went crazy at the time. I remember seeing TV shows trying to tell parents the best way of explaining the whole situation to their kids. I have a good way: Don't let them watch the news! People could not seperate the man from the character. Happily, I see Mr. Reubens appear in shows and movies from time to time and there was even a recent Pee Wee Herman special so the shitty media did not kill his career, but they did knock it down for a while.

I guess all that I am trying to say is that the media bombarding the newspapers, Internet and television with Elmo headlines instead of Kevin Clash headlines, is a pretty crappy way to increase viewerage. The day thousands of Tickle Me Elmo owners sue Elmo for tickling back in inappropriate ways, is the day you can put use the ELMO SEX SCANDAL headline. I really hope that Mr. Clash is innocent, but judgin the more people that come forward and the fact that it sounds like hush money started being thrown about, it seems unlikely. But if you're going to do something that monumentally stupid, you deserve everything you get. As I stated above, whether these were all consensual relationships or not, Mr. Clash was the adult and knew the consequences of the lines he was crossing.

Elmo and all of Sesame Street will survive this scandal. Soon this will all be just a paragraph in the Sesame Street and Elmo Wikipedia pages. I am sure the next puppeteer and voice talent will do a great job and will be loved as much as Mr. Clash. So everyone can relax, be calm and enjoy the one thing that always comes from scandals like this: Comedians (and some bloggers) have a giant pile of material that they will certainly be taking advantage of. Inappropriate jokes have been flying about. YouTube has had numerous videos uploaded making fun of the way the scandal has been portrayed by the media. Even bloggers are throwing in their two cents, I mean, come on, it's the ELMO SEX SCANDAL... who wouldn't be able to find a joke in that statement? (see above)